Elise fumbled with her sweatshirt as her dad passed a plate containing three ugly asparagus stems across the white ikea dining table. “How was your day, honey?” he asked.
“Fine,” she mumbled, avoiding eye contact at all costs. She knew that she would be compromised if she let anyone look into her eyes.
“Nothing exciting happens with the girls?” Her mom asked, referring to Elise’s hangout with Catherine and Miley at the mall earlier that day. Elise blushed.
“No, we just went to a couple stores.”
“Fun, fun.” Silence fell over the table. Elise needed a way out. If she stayed any longer her mom was somehow bound to find out about her trip to Victoria’s Secret. Or the bra that she had bought that she threw underneath all of her pajamas. Or the glossy bag shreddings that she had deposited in the trash bin outside, stuffing underneath an old banana to make sure no one would go digging and find out her biggest secret. “Are you ready for school tomorrow?”
“Oh, um, actually I think I forgot about this one piece of homework. Can I be excused?” she looked up for a millisecond, hoping to catch her Mom’s eye for long enough to send a pleading look.
“Okay, are you sure?”
“Yes.” Out of the kitchen she ran.
She locked the door behind her, careful not to make any noise doing so, and turned around to face her room. To her right was her desk, mint green and covered with fruit stickers that she had collected. Most of her friends thought it was gross, but no matter how hard she had scraped, they never seemed to come off. She rushed over and sat down, picked up Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince and began to read. After about ten minutes of reading the same passage about potions class over and over, she finally gave up. There was something nagging her, calling to her. She turned around suspiciously.
It sat on the bed, staring her down like an eel peering through the rocks with its beady, hungry eyes. She knew exactly what it was, all her friends had been talking about it. It was small and white with green letters that looked like her kitchen tiles. Ominously, it spelled out the famously terrifying words: The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls. Elise stood frozen, unsure of what her next move should be. Of course she could run, and do her homework out in the kitchen, but there arose the problem of her screaming baby brother. She could throw it out the window and pretend that she never even saw it, or shred it up in Dad’s paper shredder. But no, her Mom would somehow know that it disappeared, she was the one who had put in there in the first place. Elise began to bite at the white polish on her rounded nails.
Hesitating, she stood up and shuffled over. The front of the medium sized paperback book had three girls standing in bath robes, dripping with water, and smiling innocently. The girl on the left kind of looked like Catherine, with her short raven hair and big red cheeks.
She opened the book, her heart beating a million times a minute. Her eyes fell upon the horrifying illustration of six girls, all completely naked. The top of the page said something about stages of development, Elise couldn’t tell, as her eyes were glued to the last girl. She looked a bit like Elise, standing in front of a mirror as she brushed her teeth with her little doodle toothbrush, smiling away, exposing a set of ‘fully developed breasts.’ Elise closed the book with a thump, charged to her closet, and pushed it deep underneath a pile of mismatched socks.
*
Earlier that day, Elise had travelled to the mall with her friends Catherine and Miley. She made sure to put on her best shirt and skirt, and to put up her long blonde hair in cute little pigtails, hoping and praying that they would run into Evan, the current love of her life and coolest boy in seventh grade. She grabbed her red flower good luck charm, and put it in her pocket(it didn’t go with her socks and would ruin the entire flow of the outfit, or at least that is what Catherine told her the last time they went to the mall).
The girls decided that they would hit the stores in a special order to maximize their browsing time and the probability of bumping into Evan’s group of middle school rascals that ran around knocking stuff over. The mall was extra busy, being a Saturday, but it was just as beautiful as Elise had remembered. As she clicked her kitten heels over the cobblestone entryway, she breathed in her favorite smell of all time: Abercrombie and Fitch. The first time that she went there with her mother, she was afraid of the store, with its pungent aroma and dark interior. The next visit, she ventured in with Catherine and Miley, tip-toeing around the workers and avoiding eye contact with the half naked models on the walls. Although she was scared, she had never felt so mature, so adult. Now she loves that smell, the smell of womanhood.
“Okay ladies, we are sticking to the plan today,” Miley announced, “first stop is…Claire’s!” The girls cheered and clicked their heels on over to run their hands through the cheap earrings and necklaces. The list for the day went as so: Claire’s, Justice, Abercrombie and Fitch, Sephora(Catherine’s mom gave her twenty dollars extra), Yo Yo Yam hot Dog, Target, and finally H&M. The girls glided across the shiny floor, sporting colorful bags with tissue paper and huge toothy smiles. Around halfway through the excursion, Catherine jumped high in the air, announcing the boys had arrived. Evan and his crew bolted around the corner, their arms flailing behind them as they screamed at the top of their lungs. Elise’s face grew as red as a strawberry.
“Hey, Catherine,” Evan called.
“Hi!” Catherine waved them over. “Elise is with us today.”
“Oh cool cool. Hi, Elise.” His eyes were a beautiful light blue and his hair was pushed back into a messy ponytail. Elise felt like she was going to throw up. She waved back, not wanting to open her mouth in fear that her cinnamon toast crush would come right up onto Evan’s Nike Free Runs. Evan winked at her and took off, leading his pack howling through the mall. Elise had never been more embarrassed and overjoyed at the same time. He winked at her! And she couldn’t even say hi. Might as well throw herself in front of the speedy carousel and let the sparkling horses decide her fate. The two other girls had already started marching towards their next destination. Miley had acquired a slight limp from the blisters forming on her two big toes. Catherine turned around and shot them a grin.
“I have an idea ladies,” she smirked.
“Does it involve sitting down?” Miley groaned.
“No, it involves something much more interesting. You can’t tell anyone about this.” She grabbed hold of her friend's wrists and gave them a tug. She skirted down the echoey hallway, past the large swaths of people waiting in line for Starbucks and turned around the corner. And there it was: Victoria’s Secret. Elise stopped in her tracks.
“Um, I don’t know if we should go in there, what if someone sees?”
“Come on, it’s just like Abrocombie, just the next level up,” Catherine begged. Elise frowned. She remembered what her sister, Rachel, had said about the time that Mom found out she had been to Victoria’s Secret when she was in sixth grade. Apparently she wasn’t allowed to go to the mall for weeks. Ever since she heard the horror story of her sister’s detainment, she had feared the place more than her downstairs basement where they kept the halloween decorations and buckets of dad’s gross smelling kombucha.
“Let’s go!” Miley said, the excitement causing her to lose all interest in her bleeding ankle. Elise begrudgingly followed her friend to the forbidden store. The outside was covered in pink polka dots and black and white pictures of skinny, naked girls with arms wrapped around their perfectly shaped breasts. As they stepped in, Elise gasped. Bras on bra’s covered black mannequins in scandalous showcases of their feminine shape, dauntingly looming over her as she crept though the maze of lace and silk. She recognized the smell from her sister’s room, it always made her wiggle her nose.
“Let’s get matching ones!” Catherine said, gleaming, as she proceeded to charge towards the changing rooms, three bright pink push up bras in her hand. Elise speedwalked as fast as she could past the colorful thongs, once again avoiding eye contact with the intense stares of the black and white pictures. Why do all these places have such scary pictures?
“Have y’all been measured yet?” a small young woman asked. Catherine’s eyes lit up.
“No, Ma’am.”
“Alright, I got you covered,” the woman’s voice was warm and crisp, reminding Elise of Professor Mcgonagall from the first Harry Potter movie. However, all of the warmth leaked from Elise’s face when she saw the tape. A short, pink ribbon snaked out of the woman’s pocket, coiling around her fingertips, like a serpent ready to strike. It eyed Catherine like a meal as it twisted its way around her chest, guided by the woman’s fragile hands. “32, A it looks like!” Catherine looked as if she was about to explode out of her heels in excitement. It’s next victim was Miley, whose eyes were shining with glee. “38, B for you, Honey.” And finally, Elise’s turn. The tape slid around her chest, squeezing and choking. Elise held her breath. “Looks like you are a 30, AAA, hon. I don’t know if we have one of these that small, maybe I can look in the back for something.” Elise was bright red. She looked at her friends, who were awkwardly shuffling the feet, eager to rush into the fitting room. She began to feel lightheaded, stars danced around her vision and followed her frantic eyes wherever she pointed them.
“Okay, I’ll just head in with them if that’s okay.” Elise managed.
“Sure, I'll be right back.” She shuffled off, her long earrings clinking against her chocolate skin. The next half-hour was a blur. After at least ten different trials, Catherine and Miley decided to get matching leopard print push-ups. They apologized over and over again to Elise, who was staring at the pink poodle wallpaper, trying to hold back the tears in her eyes. In her hands was the bra that the lady had given her, small, basic and black with a big bow in the middle. Elise hated it.
She didn’t speak on the drive home, not that either of her friends noticed, they were too busy talking to Miley’s dad about Yo Yo Yam Hot Dog station’s upgrade from corn dogs to double stuff oreo dogs.
*
2AM, the clock read. Elise’s eyes were groggy from lack of sleep. She shifted her weight one more time, hoping that the pillow would finally be in the perfect position to lull her into dreamland, although the other forty positions hadn’t worked. She felt restless, like she needed to do something. Grunting, she rolled out of bed and threw the pillow onto the red carpet. The moon leaked through her thin curtains, pooling light on the door to her closet. She crept as quietly as she could and reached her hand into the piles of clothes. She felt the velvety touch of the bra that she had just bought that day. Her fingers enclosed around it. Maybe just once.
Elise stripped off her gryffindor sweater and turned her back to the mirror. Her arms slipped through the garment with ease, and the fabric hugged her body. She crossed her arms instinctively and clicked on the lamp on her desk. Slowly, she turned to face the mirror. It was a pretty mirror. Her mom used to have it in her bedroom too, and her grandmother before that. The rim was covered in beautiful painted butterflies that her grandfather had painted.
She started at her feet and slowly traced upwards. Her chest heaved with nervous energy. If she got caught wearing this...her eyes traced the lines of her thin stomach, and finally up to the chest. There they were. Or weren’t. The bra sagged a little, looking as though it was trying to claw on to anything. But there was nothing there. Not even a bump. Nothing like her friends, or the black and white picture on the walls. There was just...nothing.
Elise’s face began to burn and her eyes filled to the brim with hot tears. As she moved to wipe her face, she heard the familiar creak of footsteps. The flip flop of her mom’s slippers subtlety echoed through the silence of the night. Elise flew to the bed faster than she thought she was capable, and tucked her half naked body under her flower duvet. She watched in fear as the door creaked open and light from the hall flooded into her bedroom.
“Elise? Are you awake honey?” her mom's voice was soft. Elise closed her eyes, frozen in her awkward starfish stance, not even breathing to avoid suspicion. She could hear her mom shuffle in. “Elise.” Suddenly, she felt her mom’s hand touch her face. Elise opened her eyes. Her mom was leaning down, tucking her brown robe underneath itself. Her hair smelled like coconuts.
“Hi, mom,” she managed, her voice creaky with guilt.
“What are you doing up so late?” her mom’s tone was warm, nothing like the screeching that Elise had expected.
“Um…”
“Is this about the book I gave you, honey?
“Um, no.”
“Don’t worry, I know how you feel. When I was your age I used to hide under the covers and read the books that my mom gave me about puberty too. I was always so scared that she would find out.”
“You were?”
“Yeah, it's scary growing up.” She took a deep breath. She seemed nervous, almost as nervous as Elise. “I just want to let you know that I am always here for you. My mom always made me feel like I could never talk to her about anything and I don’t want you to feel that way too.” She paused again. “I brought you something.” She reached into the giant pocket of her robe and pulled out a light pink bra. It looked old, but new at the same time. It had tiny roses lining the lacey cups. Pretty, Elise thought. “This is kind of weird, but this is the first bra that I bought when I was your age. Once I bought it, I was so afraid to ever wear it again that I hid it under my mattress until it was too small enough to fit.”
“Oh,” Elise exclaimed, not really sure what to say or do. “Um, I thought you got mad at Rachel for…”
Her mother laughed faintly, her nervousness fading a bit. “She always finds a way to make me the bad guy. I grounded her for spending three hundred dollars on my credit card at Victoria’s Secret, not because she got a lace bra.”
“Oh,” Elise’s face grew as pink as the bra her mom was holding out to her.
“I want you to have it,” her mom whispered, “I never got to enjoy it, so I’m hoping that you’ll be able to.”
Elise and her mom looked at each other. The light from the hallway lit up her mom's face, revealing the tiny wrinkles that were beginning to develop. The moonlight cast itself upon Elise’s smaller face, illuminating her freshly scrubbed cheeks. Elise smiled. “Thank you mom. I love it.”
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